Memories

Daddy dearest

It's funny. We all hear that if you don't have a father or father figure that you're screwed, in some way or another. If you have one that doesn't quite measure up, essentially being some kind of 1950s model, you're screwed. I had a friend sleep over last month and she, myself and my sister got into the topic of fathers. She didn't grow up with her father and my sister and I did. It's strange that no matter what happens, especially to girls, that they're somehow messed up when it comes to life and relationships of their preferred sex. I don't know what happened between my parents getting together until the present day bit it might not be in one's best interest to say that they can't stand females and that they're good for nothing and useless, etc. Not in a whispered voice, mind you and when you have a house consisting of a wife and two daughters. I'll be surprised if my brother is a good boyfriend. We haven't exactly had the best models. Myself? I'm slowly realizing that I'm kind of becoming like my mother. In a way With that realization and admission, I need someone to load the shotgun ready. I do have a tendency to put up with my fair share, and after some 8 years with the same person, I suppose that's bound to happen.

This is nothing that has happened recently. I'm just up from not having slept and it was going through my mind, along with some other (ir)relevant subjects. It's weird because my mother has told my sister and I that my father treats us like princesses and treats us as such. Thing is, around this house at least, being called a prince or princess is pretty much an insult. Strange, I'm aware. My brother would be exempt because he's never here and my mother ends up doing everything for him anyway while bitching and/or yelling at me about whatever he might have done to put her in a foul mood. Whenever they used the term princess us to one of us, it would be the equivalent of calling someone a lazy, no good, worthless, such-and-such. There are plenty of females who go around loving the word princess and being told that they are since they were little girls and wanting that for their weddings, etc. If I was ever told that by someone, like a guy, the first instinct is to get defensive. I then have to say never to call me that because of X,Y,Z.

I'm aware of the fact that no relationship can be picture-perfect and I'm definitely of an age where I'm more than aware that my parents aren't these mythical, flawless creatures. I don't think my father and I will ever have one of those relationships where they improve once I move out or get a bit older or have children. Admittedly, he's a bit of a bully. Definitely the kind of person who will pick on someone smaller and/or weaker and/or female. Classic bully behavior. I've seen it for a nice majority of elementary school. Perhaps I'm just getting to point where I need to be aware of male behavior and "daddy issues". I'm sure I have them though these days it wouldn't be surprising if the "experts" said all of us females do. I am becoming quite aware that I'm having a tendency to put up with more than I ought to, than I thought I ever would. But that's a story for another day.

Perhaps the lack of sleep is just allowing me to open up a bit more when I should be doing something beneficial to my health...like sleeping.
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Fence

Pop pop

I found out that I was accepted to the non-degree classes at a school in the city. Got almost the same reaction from my parents. It's a shame because at least I'm doing something relatively productive. Yes, it would be great for the credits to go degree status. I want to be able to take the three classes that are available for non-matriculated students so I can have the chance to enroll for the matriculated courses. It might be a bit long winded but Hunter has a very well-respected social work program in the city. At the very least they could be happy that I'm going to a CUNY school like they've been begging. Ugh, I don't know. I need to start playing the lottery since this job thing is becoming super grim. I hate having to be so dependent on them for tuition and just about everything else. Yes, it's definitely better than being homeless but how else can I move on up if I can't just move as it is? Two years without school is long enough. I do miss it to an extent. Just not the last minute cram sessions or procrastinating with papers.

I'm hoping that DSU hasn't rejected my request to deter. No news is good news I guess. This whole thing is frustrating. I do have a bank situation that might help me out a bit. I'm hoping that things work themselves out. I just want to feel like I'm doing something meaningful and/or productive again, even if just for myself.

So the big 2-5 is coming up and I'm wondering if I should just stay off the grid the whole day or throw myself a party. I'm afraid of being disappointed about the party situation or not doing anything and regretting it. Maybe it should be a little bit of something fun and little under-the-radar. I doubt it won't be a bit expensive but perhaps paintball. Gets the aggression out, even if I'm afraid to get hit myself. I can be such a pussy.
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It's hard to believe that you're first on anyone's priority list when no one takes what you have with any importance. Must everything be in one extreme or another?

In other news, this heat is super ridiculous. I'm just glad I'm not down south. I'm might have actually exploded.
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    For What It's Worth - Buffalo Springfield
Spot o' tea

Free money

Lost my wallet yesterday. Serves me right for trying to be so "social". And in Union Square of all places. I just had to check the balance on my card. Why couldn't I wait until I got home? I know this happens all the time but it doesn't make things any better. I had gift cards in there too and I have to be able to collect all of the free money I can. Not likely, but I would want to believe that whoever might have found it will have the common human decency to return it. I'd like to believe but I'm not about to hold my breath either.

And yay for me. I found out that I have to pay $17.50 for a replacement permit. A permit that I need to retake my test in less than two weeks. $17.50 that I don't have in my account. Yeah, that's how broke I am. I have some money on the gift cards but, on the off chance I get the wallet back, those will probably be used up quick fast. Free money, down the drain. At least I didn't put the $50 in the wallet like I had planned or deposited it. Ugh, what a way to start the 4th weekend. Awesome.
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    annoyed annoyed
Fence

ASAP

You know, it really is a shame that my parents aren't happy for me, even if they're pretending. At least my brother, cousins, and everyone else is happy for me. They have been consistently talking about going back to school for the longest time, possibly even before I graduated. I showed my father the acceptance letter, to please my mother at the very least (who didn't have the best reaction herself), and he looked at it for a quick second and just acted like it wasn't even there. The thing is there's a nice blue letter head on top of a beige background. It isn't quite hard to miss, really. I puttered around the kitchen, then took a showered, and puttered around a little more, and went upstairs. So much for that. No wonder I never say or show him anything. Doesn't help that my mother wants to do the big lecture about what terrible children we are for not giving my father a Father's Day anything. Of course, this is the only time she ever wants to use the bible for her (or his, mostly) benefit. Ask me when's the last time she even touched the book and Lord knows we have more than a few copies - in English and French.

He loves to say that all we use him for his as a provider. I'll try to remember that is what parents aren't suppose to be. It's whatever though. I suppose that it's a cultural thing too. I know some parents count down the days from birth to the 18th birthday (or whatever the legal age is outside the states). Ideally, they want me to stay home 'til I'm married. Which would be fine and dandy if I knew when that might be or if I'd ever be married. I appreciate the ability to save up if and where possible but damn. Is the ability to "keep an eye on me" more important than an amazing opportunity for an advanced degree? I guess if this were for nursing or becoming some hot shot doctor (since those are the only degrees that Haitians seem to be able to physically say), they'd throw in half of their retirement savings.

Well, if there's any possible way to get to DSU with little to no debt, I'm all for it. I've been burning my eyes in front of the computer for now and I have to call both the office of admissions and financial aid office. Ah, bureaucracy, going to school wouldn't be quite the same without you.
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Tic-Tock

The unplanned plan

So I found the letter from Delaware State on my brother's bed while being a good sister and giving him his laundry. I don't really know why it was there, probably from grabbing his mail along with mine. Anyway, I saw two envelopes and one was particularly hefty. Didn't take much to realize that perhaps I got in? Opened it up and, yes, I did get in. I don't know why I'm not more excited, as I should be really. i guess it's because I got rejected from the two school here and, being that it's June, I was certain that I wasn't going to get in at this point. Quite the optimist, I know. I showed my mother today, since I was gone for Friday and Saturday and her reaction was exactly what I expected. She doesn't want me to go away, I should stay at a school here, I need to go for a second BA/BS in something health science related. I knew she wouldn't have been...pleased but her reaction still disappointed me. Hell, even if we all scrapped our money together & I still couldn't go, I would like to think they would be proud enough that I applied and got in. Maybe I'm asking for too much. This isn't to say I'm not looking into other financial options but I don't know how well that will pan out since this is kind of on short notice.

This past week has been a turnaround week though, and not just because of that letter. I guess I finally pulled myself out of my rut and that was just a nice topping off. Also, my friend broke up with her boyfriend so I've been trying to be the good friend and be there as much as possible before she goes back home to Barbados for the remainder of the summer. I'm trying to get her preoccupied but these things usually sucks. Goodness knows she's been there when I've been on the ups and downs of things myself. In the meantime, there shall be hanging out at Union Square, shopping at Victoria's Secret for the semi-annual sale, and (hopefully) the beach on Thursday. I'm all for being a beach bum this summer so the more I can work on my tan the better. Contrary to popular belief, my people can get quite pale too. =P
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Every time I think that parents have made some leeway and might be turning into semi-decent people, they remind me that I might just be giving them too much credit. Then again, they're West Indian and almost 60. Yes, everyone has a capacity for change but at the same time, older people past a certain generation are just not likely to want to change, even if Jesus himself came down and talked to them. Part of me wants to throw up my hands and say "Fuck it" but the other part is such a defiant little thing. Yes, children will always be children but after a certain age, isn't there some level of respect that should be extend? At least when one is past the age of 20 at least? I'm more than happy to give respect and listen to things that are reasonable but shouldn't be just because of my genitals, thanks. I guess I'm expecting too much. Maybe it's just that I'm nearly 25 and don't feel so scared or don't care how "nasty" one can get to me or for how long and no longer have a fuck to give out. =\

Thank goodness I'm not spending money on Father's Day. I'd rather get my butt waxed.
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I'm trying to stay positive, really I am. I know how easy it is for me to go down the other path. It just doesn't help when I hear someone say that they're going to Howard University for grad school.

Very funny universe. Fucking hilarious.

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Got the second letter from school #2 that I was hoping for.

Didn't get in. Had a feeling but was still holding out hope. It would have been nice though.

This is turning into a shitty week all around. It looks like I'll have to back for that second B.A. after all. My parents will probably be most pleased. =\

In fact, the whole year of being 24 is feeling like such a waste of time.

Stranger news, I just spoke with a detective about some break-in that happened right next door. The stranger part is that the house has been vacant for about a month. He said they took some radiators, broke some pipes and windows, etc. He said it's a strange crime indeed but to keep my eyes open just in case. Gave him my name and I think he went to get some more statements from other neighbors.
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