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Love, Beans
15 March 2012 @ 02:46 pm
So about two or three weeks ago, I got into some terrible altercation that caused me to become the stereotypical black woman I've tried my damnedest to avoid. I planned on writing it down here. I'm happy I didn't because I've gotten a much better memory to overwrite that.

Thank goodness for holding out. Last Friday I went to a slam poetry showcase. It was amazing. The fact that it's nearly a whole week later and I still feel the awesomeness of it is beautifully amazing. I invited a cousin and a friend of mine but they, for whatever reason, couldn't get back to me so I went by myself. It's fine really. Seeing as how I need to make new friends and I need to learn to force myself to go to things alone now that I'm newly unattached (it's still a weird thing to come to terms with, let alone say or write), this was a good first experiment. There was a group of poets that I found that made me want to go in particular. I'm sure those of you on Facebook see how much I put their videos up. Since I found them in January I've been looking like a fiend to see where they might perform around here. Thank God almighty because a few of them performed at BAM. I'm doubly lucky because of the fact that the ticket was rather inexpensive. Sure, as someone who's bank account is hemorrhaging to $0, it was definitely something to bit my nails over but seeing as I had a crappy birthday and a less-than-eventful Christmas, even for myself, I figured why not give myself something as a gift despite the time of year it is. Seriously, it was so freaking worth it. It was like seeing a celebrity for me. I'm not even one for celebrities but these people are so inspiring. I wish I could be so brave and so elaborate to do what they do but I appreciate the fact that they can and say what I can't put into words so many times. I think the best part was that I was able to met two of them after the show and one of them even gave me a hug! Just writing and thinking about it is giving me the Kool-Aid smile. I just wish I said something slightly more intelligent. I had a whole thing planned to make myself sound better than I came across but the fact that I somehow overcame my shyness and introduced myself is A+ credit alone. I really hope they come back to NY during the summer. I'll be sure to beg and plead and bargain with someone for some money if I'm not working by then.

So I'll spam at the videos that two of the performers recited at the showcase here and maybe you all will like it just as much as I do. And if not, well, at least you dipped your palette into something new, yes?

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Current Mood: indescribableindescribable
 
 
Love, Beans
16 February 2012 @ 12:46 am
It's weird and probably a bit self-indulgent on my part but I would really like to go on vacation. I feel like I should work everyday for the next year before declaring that but I'm just at that threshold where I want to exit out of life at the moment. I know how it sounds but this is just how I feel.
 
 
Current Mood: sadsad
 
 
Love, Beans
03 February 2012 @ 09:58 am
I should have started classes last Friday but financial aid and loans didn't come through. To say that I'm trying to keep my head above is not a phrase that's accurately doing my feelings justice. My mother was even willing to put the cost of my tuition on her card until my loan came through and I would pay her back with the money I received. However, because the universe is so hilarious, the school doesn't accept Visa. Really, all you can do is laugh in frustration at that point.

Amazingly, I'm not still under my covers and eat everything that's unhealthy under the sun (though I've indulged, trust me). I can hardly do the hobbies that are usually relaxing to me. I'm still struggling through my next sims post and goodness knows when I've last turned on my consoles. I hate that I got so ahead of myself and I got super excited. I know it's all a part of life's many disappointments but I've been so idle in my life for so long that I didn't think it was possible for me to feel even more put down, at least in this department. Even looking at the loan application is daunting. They want references, from family members I think, that aren't anywhere near me. I'd love to know why but this is the American school system after all. God help us if they ever want to make something like education over money a priority.

Still handing in my name, number, and resume to anyone willing to look at it. May go out today and try and find something today but I might be on a cake hunt since my mother and her friends are thinking of throwing my dad a little post-birthday surprise party get together thing. Cake is always good, I guess.
 
 
Current Mood: anxiousanxious
 
 
Love, Beans
25 January 2012 @ 07:00 am
I had to go to school and bring in my immunization card last week. On the back of it there were big black scribbles. I thought it was a doctor's signature or something equally sloppy. My mother told me that when I was a small lass that I took some pen or marker and started writing, in a very serious manner. Apparently I started a writing a little on my brother's card too. She said that I always needed something to read or write on. It's good to know that some things don't change.
 
 
Current Mood: amusedamused
 
 
Love, Beans
15 December 2011 @ 06:34 pm
Trying to stay positive and not indulge in things I'd just be reiterating. So, on to the good stuff, hm?

Anyone interested in getting a Christmas card? If so, feel free to e-mail me (auraelian AT yahoo DOT com) or leave your name and address here, where all comments are screened.

It's not much but certainly better than indulging in less-than-happy thoughts.
 
 
 
Love, Beans
17 November 2011 @ 05:09 pm
I hate when the little things set me off. I hate being set off at all. It makes me seem like an ungrateful little twerp. But damn if it isn't the little things that just poo-poo all over your day. Some days I think I could probably lose all my limbs and be OK but the moment my shoelaces are stained, I want to set the house on fire. Then I feel like I can't air my grievances because it will only sound like horrible complaining and me seeming like ungrateful little twerp. I remember way back forever ago when I express some kind of frustration about something, probably just to get it off my chest, and then being chastised about being ungrateful for the rest of the day. Needless to say I didn't say anything else for the rest of the day to avoid adding anymore gasoline to the fire. It's funny what stays with use from the ago of three or three minutes ago. I dunno, maybe I was never meant to be around people who much care to hear complaints that aren't their own. I guess that's one of the many things I can appreciate about writing. Air all the grievances I want without eyes rolling or over-exaggerated, exasperated sighing or having a damn smartphone be a part of the conversation or being the third wheel to Person B and their smartphone. Yes, I'm probably too sensitive as I've heard since the first grade but so what? Balls, is what I say to that.

I guess it really comes down to wanting to be respected as much as I respect others (a simple concept I got since I was 5 or 6 years old. Not that hard people! WWJD or, at the very least, out of common decency) and wanting to be heard. God knows I've talked until I was blue in the face (or, in my case, probably a shade of purple) about this to people I have to be around but no one should be screaming on mute. It's exhausting and tears will likely fall from such frustration. Why is anyone so surprised when I don't say anything about anything to them? I guess I'm just waiting for anyone who actually hears.
 
 
Love, Beans
12 September 2011 @ 02:09 am
Some years are better than others. This year feels like too much & I don't know why.
 
 
Current Mood: overwhelmed
 
 
Love, Beans
05 September 2011 @ 11:38 am
Oh, summer, where did you go? Why must you always make a guest appearance and an early exit?
 
 
Current Mood: hungryhungry
 
 
Love, Beans
12 August 2011 @ 08:36 am
Hm, seems I won't be able to go to school unless it's for nursing. Apparently the Hunter program is a waste of time and I could have been half way done or done already with that second bachelors. Ugh, I have to figure shit out and fast. This is getting a little unbearable. I'm still trying to feel idealistic and trying to avoid a loan if possible but the noose is tightening around my neck. Also, trying to look for scholarships is so damn tedious I want to cry.

Fucking Haitians, I swear.
 
 
Love, Beans
07 August 2011 @ 07:45 am
It's funny. We all hear that if you don't have a father or father figure that you're screwed, in some way or another. If you have one that doesn't quite measure up, essentially being some kind of 1950s model, you're screwed. I had a friend sleep over last month and she, myself and my sister got into the topic of fathers. She didn't grow up with her father and my sister and I did. It's strange that no matter what happens, especially to girls, that they're somehow messed up when it comes to life and relationships of their preferred sex. I don't know what happened between my parents getting together until the present day bit it might not be in one's best interest to say that they can't stand females and that they're good for nothing and useless, etc. Not in a whispered voice, mind you and when you have a house consisting of a wife and two daughters. I'll be surprised if my brother is a good boyfriend. We haven't exactly had the best models. Myself? I'm slowly realizing that I'm kind of becoming like my mother. In a way With that realization and admission, I need someone to load the shotgun ready. I do have a tendency to put up with my fair share, and after some 8 years with the same person, I suppose that's bound to happen.

This is nothing that has happened recently. I'm just up from not having slept and it was going through my mind, along with some other (ir)relevant subjects. It's weird because my mother has told my sister and I that my father treats us like princesses and treats us as such. Thing is, around this house at least, being called a prince or princess is pretty much an insult. Strange, I'm aware. My brother would be exempt because he's never here and my mother ends up doing everything for him anyway while bitching and/or yelling at me about whatever he might have done to put her in a foul mood. Whenever they used the term princess us to one of us, it would be the equivalent of calling someone a lazy, no good, worthless, such-and-such. There are plenty of females who go around loving the word princess and being told that they are since they were little girls and wanting that for their weddings, etc. If I was ever told that by someone, like a guy, the first instinct is to get defensive. I then have to say never to call me that because of X,Y,Z.

I'm aware of the fact that no relationship can be picture-perfect and I'm definitely of an age where I'm more than aware that my parents aren't these mythical, flawless creatures. I don't think my father and I will ever have one of those relationships where they improve once I move out or get a bit older or have children. Admittedly, he's a bit of a bully. Definitely the kind of person who will pick on someone smaller and/or weaker and/or female. Classic bully behavior. I've seen it for a nice majority of elementary school. Perhaps I'm just getting to point where I need to be aware of male behavior and "daddy issues". I'm sure I have them though these days it wouldn't be surprising if the "experts" said all of us females do. I am becoming quite aware that I'm having a tendency to put up with more than I ought to, than I thought I ever would. But that's a story for another day.

Perhaps the lack of sleep is just allowing me to open up a bit more when I should be doing something beneficial to my health...like sleeping.
 
 
Current Music: Across the Universe - Fiona Apple