Love, Beans
22 March 2014 @ 11:46 pm
Every time I mean to write in here, I don't. I really should. I guess most things are just stagnant right now. Not necessarily a bad thing but they just are. I am trying to remind myself to focus on the good and positive things. Trying is the key word. Right now I should be trying to get myself focused on writing my autobiographical statement for my formal admission to the social work program at school. The crazy thing is that I'm going to have to do this in about a year or less for grad school. The thought makes me want to take a long nap. Woe is me, etc. There are worse fates.
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Love, Beans
24 November 2013 @ 02:34 pm
Not a disease but just biology doing what it does best. Sometimes I think about it, what kind of mother I would be and what a kid of my own would be like and act like, and it makes my mind race. I know that I'm in no position to have a kid, financial or otherwise. I guess it's just me being 27 and nature kicking in. I know I'm a general mess right now (though if we're being honest I've been a mess for a few years now) and probably a little too selfish and vain for me to have a kid. I know that you can change your whole life and perspective the moment it happens. At least with some folks. Sometimes I start thinking about all the bad things that have happened to me and how I would feel like a failure of a human being if any of that would happen to my child or children. Realistically I know there's no way to get the world to back of and not be a shitty place and people to not be shitty creatures. I guess it's just a nice thought to indulge in though, even if it's just because of nature doing what it does best.

Clearly I'm prattling on about nothing.
 
 
Love, Beans
12 February 2013 @ 07:27 pm
Dermatitis can suck it. I'm just sayin'.

It feels like nothing is working. Maybe once winter is over my skin won't hate me so much.
 
 
Current Mood: irritatedirritated
 
 
Love, Beans
27 December 2012 @ 10:37 pm
Has LJ been slow for anyone else lately? I wanna blame it on that and not my ISP.
 
 
Love, Beans
12 October 2012 @ 10:53 pm
So, the birthday turned out to be quite nice. Pretty laid back and relaxing. Actually turned out to be one of the more lucrative birthdays I've had in quite a long time. Gift cards and money and a new phone too! I got myself a Samsung Galaxy S3 on Tuesday and it really has been taking up a lot of my time. Thankfully I have this weekend to continue getting better acquainted with it. I still need the protective stuff so I don't kill it too damn quickly. I will miss my BlackBerry's physical keyboard. If anything, I wish more phones would still cater to that demographic. I wouldn't even mind a slight bulk if that was the case. I'm not as frustrated with the virtual keyboard as I thought I would be but it still is taking some getting used to.

Aldo tried to set up a surprise birthday dinner thing but my cousin couldn't make it as she was out of town and our other friend is a flake (we all have one, don't we?). My brother and sister came and it was really nice. He chose the restaurant because it was southern cuisine and hearty and was made of all the rich, creamy, buttery things that I usually avoid on a daily basis. Also, there was red velvet cake. Who can say no to red velvet. Ugh, so damn delicious. I did feel the meal a few hours later since it felt like there was a lot of pressure in my belly. Too much mac and cheese, I guess. I decided to detox the whole next week.

A boy certainly knows how to wear a girl down, I'll say that much. It seems as though that's always a good way to get into someone's good graces, especially a girl. Do right by her birthday and she might just melt, even just a tiny bit.

So, the champagne birthday went well considering how sucky the big 2-5 was. I was lucky not to have class that day too so lots of sleeping in. So weird how much older I'm getting. When did this happen? I remember thinking turning 26 on the 26th would never happen but it came and went and I'm still getting older. At the very least, I do feel like I'm finally come down from this quarter-life crisis that I think I've been spiraling in for the last 3 years. Here's hoping I can keep it that way or at least until 30.
 
 
Current Mood: coldcold
 
 
Love, Beans
05 September 2012 @ 01:41 am
I should be doing a quick reading and typing up a summary and showering but I might as well do this.

School started last week Monday. So far, so good. It's also a week into it so I'm sure I'll be bitching and complaining long before the semester is over. I guess because it's been a good 3 years since I graduated, I'm feeling particularly more focused than I was when I did this the first time around. Also, I don't feel so bogged down with depression as I was back then. Not to say that things are 100% peachy but considering how good I have it at the moment, I can't complain. I might even get a position with work study so I'm keeping my fingers crossed for sure that my hours work out with the counseling center. I know it will be mostly front desk stuff, which I'm rather fluent in but I'm still happy for something with a paycheck. Amen and hallelujah.

Part of me wants to get on with the social work courses but I shouldn't rush things. If the plan goes accordingly, I'll be in school until at least 30 or so since grad school will be eating my time. I just want to do well to get into the social work school in the city since it's so competitive and really, really good in that arena. Baby steps, I suppose. I'm sure in 3 years I'll be crying at all of this. I'm almost 26 and I definitely feel like I should be on a career path already. Not to say odd jobs aren't fun - they make for fabulous conversation pieces - but it definitely feels like it's time, you know? Also, sometimes Facebook doesn't make things better, from a self-esteem standpoint. I'm always happy to see former classmates do well, especially if they were some of the nicer ones to you back in the day. I guess it's better to have some kind of motivation then none at all. I know the folks are probably still hoping that I might change my mind and do nursing or something related but I guess they'll have to deal. I'll get that financial stability one way or another, even if it's not the way they hoped. At the very least, they should be proud that I'm back in school. It'd be pretty cool to be the first in my family to get that 2nd degree and that master's. The thought makes me smile.

=D
 
 
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Love, Beans
12 August 2012 @ 11:18 pm
I'm clearly losing too much weight. Just bought new bras and, even after tightening the straps, there's still spaces. Nothing too significant that will make me look ridiculous but there's still room that doesn't completely fill out. Oh the pains of getting fit.

Clearly, a first world problem. Don't pay me much mind.
 
 
Current Mood: fullfull
 
 
Love, Beans
20 July 2012 @ 03:00 am
Summer has been rather nice to me. I haven't even minded the heat all that much. It's part of the deal, I suppose. As for life lately, I could probably complain but the way I'm looking at it is that I've got at least 2 out of 3 things going in my favor, I shouldn't bitch too much, even if I obsess about it my head on a constant basis.

Kind of excited to be going back to school though I know I'll be bitching about that within weeks of starting. I'll have the benefit of being a bit older and having taken a few years off. I also got awarded work-study so I'll have something of a steady income until the money is done. Ah, to have an income again, no matter how limited or small. It's gonna be nice to not pinch pennies too much. In the meantime, I'll continue to soak up whatever knowledge I can at my internship. It is actually pretty interesting despite having to obvious intern-y things.

Health is lovely too (knocking on wood as I type this) and there's a roof over my head. I even met up with an old classmate and his fiance in the city and it was so much fun, even if we were all melting. I haven't seen them since last summer though we've spoken and they just got engaged. It was fun and needed and it was almost like being on an inspirational talk show without the audience or the cameras or the fact that it would have been locally, regionally, or nationally televised.

The love life is still a bit a disaster in all honesty but that will work itself out eventually as things tend to do. Definitely wish it was sooner rather than later but what fun would that be? I was advised to do better, obviously, and I know I will and I hope so for my own sake. I can't wait to say that everything is even and stable but the moment that happens the universe like to mess with us mere mortals. Too much stability is some kind of beacon, apparently.

I'm trying to get back into my hobbies and I think that I'm cleaning up my life, slowly but surely, I'll be able to do it. Even writing is getting better and less of a chore or a block. Now, if I could just go to sleep like a normal person and stop depriving myself of my needed 6-8 hours.

Also, as something that means nothing to anyone else, this blog turned 10 years old on the 14th. Can't believe I've been blogging here that long. It's been over 11 years really but LJ has been quite the mainstay and archive library. Whew, life, stop moving so fast.
 
 
Current Mood: thoughtfulthoughtful
 
 
Love, Beans
17 May 2012 @ 04:47 pm
This too shall pass.
 
 
Current Mood: indescribableindescribable
 
 
Love, Beans
15 March 2012 @ 02:46 pm
So about two or three weeks ago, I got into some terrible altercation that caused me to become the stereotypical black woman I've tried my damnedest to avoid. I planned on writing it down here. I'm happy I didn't because I've gotten a much better memory to overwrite that.

Thank goodness for holding out. Last Friday I went to a slam poetry showcase. It was amazing. The fact that it's nearly a whole week later and I still feel the awesomeness of it is beautifully amazing. I invited a cousin and a friend of mine but they, for whatever reason, couldn't get back to me so I went by myself. It's fine really. Seeing as how I need to make new friends and I need to learn to force myself to go to things alone now that I'm newly unattached (it's still a weird thing to come to terms with, let alone say or write), this was a good first experiment. There was a group of poets that I found that made me want to go in particular. I'm sure those of you on Facebook see how much I put their videos up. Since I found them in January I've been looking like a fiend to see where they might perform around here. Thank God almighty because a few of them performed at BAM. I'm doubly lucky because of the fact that the ticket was rather inexpensive. Sure, as someone who's bank account is hemorrhaging to $0, it was definitely something to bit my nails over but seeing as I had a crappy birthday and a less-than-eventful Christmas, even for myself, I figured why not give myself something as a gift despite the time of year it is. Seriously, it was so freaking worth it. It was like seeing a celebrity for me. I'm not even one for celebrities but these people are so inspiring. I wish I could be so brave and so elaborate to do what they do but I appreciate the fact that they can and say what I can't put into words so many times. I think the best part was that I was able to met two of them after the show and one of them even gave me a hug! Just writing and thinking about it is giving me the Kool-Aid smile. I just wish I said something slightly more intelligent. I had a whole thing planned to make myself sound better than I came across but the fact that I somehow overcame my shyness and introduced myself is A+ credit alone. I really hope they come back to NY during the summer. I'll be sure to beg and plead and bargain with someone for some money if I'm not working by then.

So I'll spam at the videos that two of the performers recited at the showcase here and maybe you all will like it just as much as I do. And if not, well, at least you dipped your palette into something new, yes?

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Current Mood: indescribableindescribable